Cuatro y Cuarenta y Cuatro

In just a few hours a week would have gone by since Shawn Corey Carter dropped his newest project. I knew how I felt immediately when I listened to all the songs the first go round. I’ve listened to it several times since then and I feel the same way. Love and Hate.

I love that Jay-Z has finally done what I thought he should have been doing all this time. Motivating and increasing The Black Man. Sharing his testimony and them showing them an alternative way or motivating them to avoid their fate by not going down that path. Explaining that the hood is a canvas of possibilities and your options are to stay and make it better or to leave and come back when you are better. Helping them to understand that you can’t claim your hood if you don’t own any of it. Making them realize that he was able to get himself to a certain level or success but he needed his Queen to reach that next level. Although it was mentioned a few times before it was never presented THIS way, it was never presented so seriously, in such a way to demand the attention of his loyal followers.

My high school boyfriend was a huge Hov fan. He would respond to my questions or comments with his quotes like it was an African Proverb or some shit. Like Chris why did you quit your job…  His reply would be “I’m not a ‘Business-Man’! I’m a Business… man! Let me handle my business, damn!” LMAO!!! Fool if you don’t get some damn apps, imma take your mom to the Friend of the Court for Child Support! (how you like them bars?) This was all day and everyday, I hated Jay Z for the hold he had on my boyfriend and every other man I knew. I hated that he told them to sell drugs and do what ever they had to do to make it. I hated that he influenced them to wear certain things and look a certain way in order to be more like the people that “deserve respect”. My biggest gripe with Shawn was the way he talked about women and their lack of importance in his life. When all the while he sitting up here head over heels in love, buying art,properties, music companies. Making major moves with his WIFE and FAMILY in TOW! Tuh and all these real life fools the ones we have to meet, date, pro-create with are still stuck in his lyrics. Not realizing that he had 99 Problems and his “B” wasn’t one because she was pretty f*ckin awesome! lol NOT that she wasn’t relevant simply that she was not one of his problems.

So now here I am stuck with these feelings of Love and Hate for this magnificent project and all I can do about is leave y’all with some gems.

  • You can’t afford million dollar artwork, don’t think that’s the way to financial freedom for you. He had the million dollars to put away and he was blessed with the years to see it mature…that’s HIS story.
  • Do buy property however it may or may not be in your momma’s hood, please consult professionals, read and research the trends of real estate in the area and be open to the many possibilities.
  • Cheating hurts and is taxing on all of those involved…most importantly your cheating will more than likely not make you any money. Actually, it will probably cost you…might cost you a little, might cost you a lot, but it’ll cost you.
  • Financial Freedom can be best attained by having good credit. Credit isn’t a Victoria’s Secret Angel Forever card. Credit is real credit starting with your credit worthiness…your score. Being able to turn your financial worthiness into cash.
    • Here is a someone I met not to long ago and I am eagerly waiting to become a client of hers… She offers Credit Repair Services, Great Reviews and Satisfaction Guaranteed.
      • Nickole 281-746-3422
  • Your children and family are the heirs to your estate…leave them something. Life insurance policies, investments, property, ANYTHING but debt.
  • Last but certainly not least, Being black is a blessing…I hope you love it as much as I do. It is a great responsibility and honor to be among the best of the best of our species. Make your ancestors proud!

-J

 

A $50 RT flight

About a month ago, Frontier Airlines had a sale. I bought 2 RT tickets, one to Cleveland and one to Atlanta. My goal for the summer was to live a life I can’t live August through May, however that may be. I went to Cleveland and drove to Detroit for a few days came back for 32 hours then flew out to Atlanta. I have a host of friends and family there so my expectation was to disburse my time among them all… I tried. I stayed with one of my friends and had only planned be there for a few days…hangout, kick it, then go see my family in Knoxville for a few days. Things didn’t quite work out like that…

I did everything I was supposed to do and I saw everyone I needed to see (with the exception of two of my friends) however everything in the middle I couldn’t have planned for. I had no idea I would end up leaving with more than I came with. More confusion, more lust, more questions, more thoughts and more desires and more lonely.

I’ve been successfully single because I keep my shit to myself…My body, my space, my heart. Its easy for me and I am good at it, I don’t kiss, no one spends the night, no cuddling, shit don’t even laugh with me too damn much. Well I thought I was good at it I thought I had it under control but recently I was in a situation where intimacy wasn’t avoidable absolutely inevitable. I failed. From the moment I saw him at the airport as we were walking around arrivals looking for each other, he saw me and my one little bag and said you got your bag? NOPE! lol I threw that bag at him and he walked us to his car. I shouldn’t be so easy lmao!  I shouldn’t be so easily impressed…that’s what a man is supposed to do, right?

The walls really came tumbling down that night when we were laying down to go to sleep. When was the last time someone lifted the covers up so you can get in them? Or the last time you slept in someones arms? Its been about 8 years for me. I was sooo comfortable there, I felt safe and secure, time stopped. Our breaths were in sync.We were as close as you can be to someone without sex… Intimacy is better than sex, intimacy can change your life.  If I rolled away or turned to get comfortable he would let me then get in where he fit in. When he rolled away he would reach for me with his hands or feet just to still be connected in some way and next thing I knew I was back in his arms. I felt like I was in his arms all 5 days of my trip and I didn’t mind it. Every second of the day I couldn’t wait to get back in his arms, I couldn’t wait till it was time again looking forward to more.

It has been such a long time since I felt that way about anyone. I can only remember one other person that I felt like that about and even then it was different; it was me being there for him and allowing him to be close to me because he wanted it, my irritable ass was always hot and wanted my space. This time it was different because I was still hot but I didn’t care lol I needed to be there, I think he did too.

Eventually, he kissed me…I’m pretty sure we were both drunk and when It was over I was starving. I need more …KISS ME AGAIN! Now I see why people like kissing me..big lips are the shit! His lips are bigger than mine, LAWD!!! They were so soft…like I did not prepare to be kissing all on nobody so I’m sure mine felt like sandpaper. He obviously didn’t care. This sandpaper didn’t stop him lol

More memories of the weekend played throughout my mind….How did I let a $50 flight turn my life upside down… I would’ve paid $50 not to feel how I feel now. Back in Houston, alone, in my bed, alone, on my couch, alone, eating dinner,alone! It all happened so fast got me wondering was it even real? Did I make all that shit up? Maybe he holds and kisses every women he likes. Is he gonna call me tomorrow? LMAO I should’ve asked him some uncomfortable questions to save myself from being uncomfortable like I am right now. Some “what are we?” “What now?” “are you still anti-relationship” questions would’ve been great so I could have a leg to stand on. I failed again. I am floating away on Cloud 9 all by myself…just sitting here on my couch looking stupid and feeling stupid too…all because of a $50 flight. UGH!

-J

 

 

Whose white car is this? Part II

… What you mean whose car is this? Whose driving it? My name is on the insurance…Do you want to see it? Naw bruh! I’m straight, I don’t want nothing but to get this night over with. Luckily, I saw a TGIF Friday’s right around the corner so I said that’s where I wanted to go. We walked in and sat right down in a booth…Thank GOD! I grabbed the menu…drink menu placed my order and eagerly waited for my sangria to arrive. As I’m sitting there trying to look interested he looked at me and said ” You know, I normally don’t like dark skinned girls but you fine as hell. Like, you are so gorgeous.” I wanted to say, “you know I don’t usually date broke asses but you so cute and the price of gold is at an all time high.” CLOWN! I haven’t heard how cute I was to be a black girl since elementary school.

Somewhere between the white car and cute to be black I discovered he was a little sloppy. Lets be honest I noticed he was a lot of sloppy, so I decided to ask him if he had been drinking. He said yea a little patron…I asked what’s a little patron? This fool said 7 shots…no wonder he was trippen! Several bathroom trips, Cajun pasta, sangria and a coke later the night was over. I couldn’t wait to get back to my car , I said goodnight and started walking towards the sidewalk. He stopped me and said where you going I parked over here. Oh I know and I will not be getting in a strangers car with 7 shots of patron man… I rather walk then to get in that car.

He followed me all the way to my car and I drove him back to the white car he drove there in… his new car is black, Whose white car is this…his girlfriends that’s who, he drunk drove his girlfriends car to a date with a girl that’s soooo pretty to be dark skinned!

I have nothing motivational to say…I’m done…totally ashamed! LMAO

-Queen J

Whose white car is this?

Weekend before last my sister came to Houston and we hit the town. I took her to some of my favorite places and we had a ball. Well somewhere in between the laughs and drinking I met this guy. He was brown skinned, slim, and had a New Orleans accent… he’s from 9th Ward. I thought he was the one! lmaoooo I know God works in mysterious ways but never in a million years did I think I would find my husband in a daiquiri shop.

So as we were running out with our drinks he followed behind me to ask me from my number. He smiled again and I thought I saw the sun reflecting off of his pearly whites..naw it was the glare from his gold teeth lmaooooo. OMG!! I cant take this fool home with gold teeth my dad would start looking around for the cameras n shit! lol

Our first conversation he told me he had children, 4 children, 3 boys and a girl, and he’s a single father raising 2 of the boys. So now I’m like ok, 4 kids and gold teeth. Maybe the kids can distract my family from his mouth Then within the next 24 hours I learned he has a roommate…a female roommate that he is madly in love with. They have been together for 3 years and due to his kids and past infidelities their relationship is over. But they cant move out until the lease is up in July. Ok, that’s where I draw the line, I can’t be a side chick to a guy with 4 kids and a criminal record. Oh wait did I neglect to mention that? My bad, he has had several run ins with the law…stay with me guys we are only on day 3. LOL Serval run ins, One of which comes with a few long lasting consequences.  Ok so lets get the checklist

4 kids

criminal record

live in ex-girlfriend

gold teeth

GOD is the best comedian I know.

So here I am stuck all up in my feelings… He’s had a hard life, He’s a single father, She mistreats his kids, the price of gold is at an all time high… blah blah blah! It took me several days of skin crawling conversations and several migraines before God showed me the light.

I was telling one of my friends about him and she said I was behaving like a peasant lmao. Thanks friend! So later on that night I had plans for more peasantry. We were meeting to celebrate his new car. He was 45 minutes late, he blamed it on the kids, I forgave him. I sat at a restaurant listening to live music enjoying the ambience when I heard something tell me to get up and leave the restaurant. I listened. When I got out side, I saw a white car flying past me. It was him calling me to see where I was. Now I couldn’t help but notice the car he was in was the complete opposite color of the car he told me he bought…hell it wasn’t even the same make. As I walked up closer to the car I noticed it had a real license plate on it and some things in the back seat…and not the paper mats they give you. It was stuff… in the car…in the new car he told me he bought…that was black. Who does this white car belong too?

to be continued…

 

-Queen J

Happy! 

Happiness is a God given right! One of the most sought after things in the world. People rob, steal, kill, pay, play, work, try, lie… to be happy. Although it is a God given right, your not born with it.  You must find it and once you get it… hold on to it like it’s your last breath. 

I typically find my happiness in a room full of the most irritating people I know… my family. Laughing, yelling, telling stories, making memories with the people I love.

My happiness is also found on paper… no im not talking about money. I’m talking about menus lol I LOVEEEEE TO GO OUT TO EAT! I don’t kno if I it’s actually the food, being catered too or not having to wash dishes but I love it. lol unfortunately it doesn’t love more or my lovehandles back but I’m working on it.

Happiness finds me on vacations and vacations typically lead me to water. And water leads me to pina coloadas, sangria or mimosas! Lol 3 happy helpers of mine! Lol

I also often find happiness in silence or stillness. Being still in my mind or on my yoga mat. Being present in my life at that very moment and absent from everything else. Expressing gratitude and appreciation for everything that is so. 

Find your happy… your life depends on it! 

Lusty and Lonely

My single life has taken me on many journeys, adventures, and rollercoasters. Mostly pleasant and life changing…but the others were more like a mosquito bite in the web of my left foot between the 2nd and 3rd toe. This current feeling isn’t one I’m familiar with… something is different. This week I’m in a very uneasy place, its dark, pungent, and peculiar.

A few weeks ago I decided to end my 3 YEAR celibacy bid. It was great!!! I’m happy I did it, he is great…not to much, just enough! He’s polite, sexy, smart but he’s not mine. Just like the rest of these guys…he’s for EVERYBODY!!! Nevertheless he is a great and I did a great job choosing him to pop my celibacy cherry. Our interactions have been fun but informational, I’m learning a lot about my new found sexiness and womanhood. He makes me feel amazing.

The only problem is he lives an hour away from me and has his own life. He don’t have time to help me find my self in the bedroom. So right now I’m stuck inside my feelings, heart, and soul trying to pick up the pieces to my life and find my happy place again. The place I was in 8 days ago or the place I was in a couple of weeks ago…TAKE ME BACK!!! lol I need her; I need to have control over my emotions and my destiny. I don’t wanna be a slave to my bullet or this fool I can’t have or hold till death do me part! LMAO…So here I am, at happy hour flirting with old white men because I’m feeling lusty. Apparently too damn lusty cause I’m not in any way attracted to old men and this pitcher of Sangria I have to myself isn’t helping.

Although this combination of emotions is foreign to me I have conquered them separately at different times of my life. Being lusty isn’t anything new to me…I’m in a constant state of lust at this stage in my life. The loneliness must be handled with care, I have to address it and feel all of my feelings at this moment so I can get over it. I have to be present in these feelings so I can accept and conquer them. This too shall pass just like every other opportunity presented to me. I will be able to deal with these feelings next time they arise and I won’t be sitting sulking in my sorrows. Ill just keep whispering sweet nothings in my own ear…Get over that shit!!! Its not gonna kill me, I’ll survive…I think!

-J

 

Acumen

The word of the day is…

Noun

/ak u men/

The ability to make quick decisions and good judgements, specifically in one particular area.

Bre’s business acumen is her biggest selling point.