From the mouths of BABES Pt.1

I was going to end this series with marriage however after some thought and careful consideration, I’ve decided this is the best story to start with. I’ve known this king (who shall not be named) for about 9 years. We were members of the same student organization during my first year of college at Grambling State University. He was always a very cool guy, reserved but outgoing, handsome, nice body, didn’t know much about him academically. He currently works in law enforcement (ironically I’m watching OITNB), is a father and is currently married.

I asked several guys to help me out with this project and he was in my opinion the most honest and willing to do so.

Here’s his interview…enjoy!

Why did you choose to get married?
I chose to get married because I was tired of living the life of chasing women. That gets old after awhile. I grew up around love. My parents were married for over 40 yrs, and I having a family of my own was something I knew I always wanted. Never expected it to happen while still in my 20’s, but I’m happy with my decision.
Why her?
Funny thing is, my wife wasn’t even my type. I guess opposites really do attract. I chose her bc she showed me that she really wanted to be a wife, and fulfill everything that came with it. She didn’t just want the ring to show off and brag about. She was willing to be submissive and let me be the man, while trusting and believing that I would make the right decisions for her and for us. Her growth is so amazing. I feel like most women got it confused with the whole submitting thing. Being submissive doesn’t mean that you have to lose who you are and can’t no longer have your own identity as a woman. It just means that you respect your man enough to let him be just the, “a man”. But, a woman should never submit to a man who doesn’t submit to God.
Were you scare?
I was very scared. I second guessed myself several times. Apart of me was over the bachelor lifestyle, and another part was like do i really want to give it all up so young. But, it was one of the greatest decision i could’ve made. Marriage shouldn’t mean you have to just stop living life and having fun. We still hangout and go on vacation with friends without each other, as well as with one another. Trust is the key, and it’s something that
you have to steady earn and keep building on.
Did your friends getting married influence you?
I would say my friends getting married influenced her more than me. But, i guess that’s normal for a woman. I mean it definitely put that thought in my head though, like i just had a feeling like my time was coming up. I never try to complete or compare my relationship with others. I would have to tell her, just because they’re ready doesn’t mean that we are. Marriage is a whole other beast, a beautiful beast, but you most definitely both have to be ready and in the right mind frame for it to work. We did some things wrong and paid for it later, like not doing marriage counseling before. That’s something I would highly recommend to every engaged couple
Where you the first of your boys to get married?
I believe I was like the 4th or 5th person to get married at that time out of my boys.
Do you have any regrets?
No regrets at all. I mean sometimes you wonder what your life would be like if you would have waited, or did you do enough before you got married, but honestly it was the best decision I could’ve ever made.
How do you handle temptations if you have any?
Temptations are going to come. There will always be somebody more attractive, smarter,  funny, etc., and the goes for both sides. And, I would be lying if I said I don’t look. I tell people all the time I’m married, but I’m still a man at the end of the day. You just have to weigh your options, and understand what you would be losing and if it’s worth it. Personally, I don’t care what she has to offer or how fine she is, she’s not my wife. I chose to marry her, and if I knew I wasn’t ready I should just been honest and told her, or just let her go. My family is more important when I comes down to it.
Any advice to women wanting to be married?
I would have to say be patient. There’s a difference between letting a man know what you want and trying to force it on him. Most women like to compare they’re lives to their friends and other women they may know. Just because it was her time doesn’t mean that yours isn’t coming. Also, know your role in each stage of your relationship because it should change as you go from being a gf, fiancé, and wife.
Any advice for men regarding marriage?
For dudes i would have to say, make sure your 100 percent ready. A lot of marriages don’t last simply because once the honeymoon stage is over and they experience some things that they weren’t prepared for, they don’t know how to handle it so they give up. That’s why it’s so important that as the man you build the foundation in which you want your relationship to stand on.
When I originally asked for help my friend agreed to help me for several reasons but most importantly because he was preparing to start a challenge…21 days of Vulnerability! I was very intrigued about this challenge considering I have major issues with being vulnerable. I have also noticed that most guys I’ve dated have had these issues as well so I thought it was important to include a few questions about it as well.
What motivated you to do this challenge?
To be honest, lately I have been feeling broken. I don’t think I’m fully healed over the passing of my father, and because of my profession and responsibilities i had to get over it so quickly.
When will you start/What do you expect to accomplish?
I will be starting June 1st. And, I expect to see growth in all aspects of my life. Spiritually, mentally, physical. I know I’m a good person and always have been, but I know i can be better.
How do you think becoming more vulnerable and transparent will help you in your life?

When it comes to my marriage, it will open up a path for better communication and trust. I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings and emotions, I never been good at that stuff. But, how can i have this amazing woman in my life and not be able to tell her exactly how I feel? That’s selfish. Why can’t I express my most deepest  inner feelings to the person I say I love, when after all, they are just words. Merely words, that are needed because sometimes actions are just not enough.

Boys are taught, especially black boys at a young age not to show emotion. We have to be tough and hard. But, now as a father what am I showing my daughter. How can I make sure that she feels the necessary amount love that a little girl needs from her father. When my daughter  get to the age where she’s looking for a guy, I want her to have the characteristics of her father as her standards.

As far as my career. I’m not sure. I take my job very serious, and my style of policing is different than a lot of officer I understand that the badge and uniform don’t make me. I wouldn’t say i so much want to be vulnerable on my job bc you can’t in this profession, but being relatable and a officer for the community is what i strive to be. Not just being seen in the hood when I’m there to take people to jail.

 

Reflection

Hopefully, you can now understand why I thought this interview would be the best to kick off this series. As a single woman, I wanted to ask questions that would help other single women like me or even women that aren’t single but not yet married. I also thought men could identify with this and possibly be inspired. There’s strength in being honest and vulnerable and a freedom that many will never know.

-J

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